For the Cleaning Power of Orange Oil
by Bipolar Stepcousin Joe
Summary: After his breakup with Byakuya, Renji goes on an ill-fated camping trip and learns to fear the power of oranges. Crackfic. anyoneXeveryone. Rated for language.
1. Lost in a Forest

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, and I'm gaining nothing from writing this other than my own personal amusement. This story is not meant in any way to be taken seriously.

Chapter One: Lost in a Forest

Rukia and Ichigo walked down a street. It was a nice street, with little bushes and other various plant life, including brightly-colored flowers and a hummingbird feeder on a post.

They were having a nice discussion about cantaloupes when they saw Renji's red hair sticking out of a bush.

"Rukia?" Ichigo asked.

"Hm?" Rukia responded.

"Why is there a red thing sticking out of that bush?" Ichigo asked.

"Actually, I think that's Renji's hair."

Renji's hair twitched at this statement, then moved entirely as Renji jumped out of the bushes and ran towards the conveniently located nearby forest, screaming like a little girl. Rukia and Ichigo stood there for a moment, blinking and wondering what had happened.

"You think we should go after him?"

"Eh, probably."

Three hours later, a Siberian tiger trap, a cantaloupe road block, several yogurt cups, and a Swiffer duster later, Rukia, Ichigo, and Renji sat among the trees, panting. Ichigo glared at Renji. Renji looked away.

Rukia coughed. "Well, I don't think any of us expected the flesh-eating butterflies or the giant rolling cantaloupe, but, um, Renji, is there something wrong?"

"Er, where _are_ we? I think I hit my head on something back there…"

Ichigo snorted. "Your head? How did you hit your head back there? You were kind of running the entire time."

"Um... A rock?"

"A rock? What rock? Are you _sure_ it was a rock?"

"Well, I sure know what it _wasn't_."

"What wasn't it?"

"Not a rock."

"WHA—"

"Where are we?"

"Where _are_ we? We followed _you!_ What's your _problem?_ You were hiding—not very well, by the way—in a _bush_, and then you ran away screaming when Rukia saw you? And then you get rocks confused with… NOT ROCKS! Ha! What's your problem, eh?" Ichigo shouted.

"I know rocks are rocks! It's you that's confused! It's _you_ that has problems, yelling at me while I'm emotionally distraught! You're sick—"

"WHAT!"

It went on like this for a while with Rukia standing nearby looking extremely frustrated. She listened to them yell about pretzels and Seabiscuit and lawnmowers and more rocks, but when they got to standing face to face, screaming, "Your mom!" at each other, Rukia decided that she'd had enough.

"Enough!" she yelled as she beat them both in the head with a cheese puff superglued to a giant hammer. She then tied them to nearby trees and drew Chappy the rabbit on their faces.

"The _hell_, Rukia?" they both demanded.

Rukia threw her purple Sharpie at Ichigo, so that it bounced off his face and hit Renji. She stomped away and sat on a nearby tree stump.

"What," she said, "are your _problems?_"

Ichigo and Renji shriveled under her fierce glare.

"Eh… He's being a mopey dumbass?" Ichigo said.

"Renji?" Rukia prompted.

He looked away, sniffling.

"_Renji?_"

"Ah… well… you see…"

"Yes?"

"Er… your brother…"

"What is it?"

"Your brother… Your brother broke up with me!" Renji burst into pathetic tears.

"Ah… that…" Rukia muttered.

Ichigo was confused. "What the _HELL_?"


	2. I was drunk, really

A/N: Yaay! People reviewed! Thanks!

Chapter Two: I was drunk. Really.

Ichigo was still confused. "What, Byakuya? Broke up with you? The hell?" A pause, then, "Wait, you like men, Renji?"

"What _of_ it?"

"Oh, nothing…" Ichigo looked away.

There was an awkward silence.

"So, Renji," Rukia said, "how did you and my brother… er… get together in the first place?"

"…You probably don't want to know."

"C'mon Renji," Ichigo said, interested in the conversation again, "Tell us. We want to know."

"No."

"Maybe I'll just ask _him_…" Rukia mused.

Renji looked like he had been forced to swallow a barrel of lemons whole.

"Um… Actually, I guess I'll tell you then…"

"Well, out with it, then." Ichigo was impatient.

"So… Hisagi and Ikkaku got me _really_ drunk. Kira was there too, passed out on the bar. Depressing, really. Matsumoto—she's a really happy drunk, did you know that—was doing all this weird stuff to him, covered his head with shaving cream and stuck his hand in warm water, and the like. Surprised Hisagi didn't stop her… And then Ikkaku started dancing on the tables and—"

"GET ON WITH IT!"

"Fine! Apparently I was 'causing a disturbance' in some alleyway, something to do with a hot dog stand and several gallons of pickle relish with a cherry on top, so Captain had to come remove me from the 'scene of the crime' because I _accidentally_ kicked a puppy, and then… um…"

"Renji…"

"Uh, Rukia, I sort of though he was you, and things went downhill from there…"

There was another awkward silence.

"Renji, you _do_ realize that they look nothing alike?"

"Yes…"

"Yeah, Renji… He's like… A foot and a half taller than me."

"…I know that…"

"And his hair's longer, too."

"I was really drunk! It was something about the eyes…"

"Um, our eyes are different colors, Renji."

"Yeah, they're not even technically related."

"I _know_ that!" Renji screamed, frustrated. "You two don't understand the _spirit_ of the situation!"

There was a shout of "Shut the hell UP!" and a rustling nearby as a disgruntled man holding a lantern and wielding an orange duct-taped to a rope climbed from the bushes rather clumsily.

Ichigo and Renji stared.

"Y'know, that orange _really_ isn't very intimidating," Renji started, but then the man swung the rope and the orange whacked Renji in the side of the face.

"OW! Damn, wha—what the—HELL are you—"

"THIS IS FOR DISRUPTING MY CAMPING TRIP!!"

Ichigo watched, terrified, as Renji was bludgeoned by the angry orange-wielding man.

He turned, letting Ichigo see Renji, beaten, bruised, and still bound, before approaching him with the apparently undamaged orange.

"Um… Help… RUKIA! Where—"

Ichigo then noticed that Rukia had conveniently disappeared.

"DAMMIT! AAAAAHHHH…"

After about an hour, the screams of terror and pain died down…


	3. I love lamp

A/N: Thanks again, reviewers! You make me smile.

Chapter Three: I love lamp.

Ichigo finally caught up to Rukia.

"What the hell were you _thinking_, leaving us tied to trees with a psycho and an orange?"

Rukia only blinked at him. "What on earth are you talking about?"

"Last night. You left us. Tied to trees. With a psycho. And an orange."

"I left you tied to the trees for your own protection."

"What the hell kind of—" Ichigo forcibly calmed himself down. "What I mean to say is… Didn't you notice the crazy guy with the orange who was potentially dangerous?"

"…How is an orange dangerous?"

"That's what we thought… But why did you just leave us there?"

"It was obvious you two needed to sort out your differences, and I thought you might make more progress without my presence."

"…Tied to trees?"

"I didn't want you to start fighting again."

"And it didn't occur to you that Orange Man might have been just a little bit dangerous?"

"What Orange Man?"

"I'm telling you, there was some crazy guy. And he attacked us with an orange."

"Why didn't you fight back?"

"Oh, I don't know… Maybe because we were sort of TIED TO TREES!"

"Oh. Right."

"You didn't even come back to untie us. We had to— Wait, what the hell?"

Renji was a bit farther down the street, looking particularly tipsy, especially considering that he was holding onto a lamppost for dear life. As Rukia and Ichigo got closer, they heard him muttering something about the moving ground.

"Hey!" he greeted them loudly with a huge drunken grin, "I'm holding onto the lamppost because it would run away if I didn't. Why does it want to run away? I only want to be friends."

"Great! More bonding time!" Rukia said before disappearing again.

"Rukia! Wha—" Ichigo suppressed a growl and turned to Renji who was still talking to the lamppost. He sighed. "C'mon Renji, I can't just leave you here."

"But… It's a very friendly lamppost!"

"You can talk to the lamp post later. We need to get you out of public; people are staring."

"Aww…"

But Renji obligingly let go of the lamppost and promptly fell on his face.

Ichigo felt like ripping his hair out by the roots, but he pulled Renji up and slung his arm over his shoulders, saying, "You can at least walk."

Renji muttered something into Ichigo's shoulder, but did unsteadily support his own weight.

They had gone a few blocks before Ichigo noticed that Renji was being strangely quiet. He paused for a moment to make sure that Renji was okay. It didn't appear that Renji was okay, considering that tears were just starting to stream down his face, but Ichigo decided to check anyway.

"You okay?"

Renji looked up. "Oh… I was just remembering… When Captain and I were still together… This was how he helped me back to the Sixth Division when I got drunk… Except he verbally abused me once we were away from public notice and I was sick from his spirit pressure for two days afterwards, he was so mad… And then it was _really_ awkward for a while, but then we went out on our first date…" Renji sobbed, "I miss him! He brought me flowers!"

"What kind of flowers?"

"Poppies. They made me so happy, so bright and cheerful… sob… so happy…"

It was about then that Renji passed out and Ichigo was stuck dragging him the rest of the way.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Sorry it took forever to update, I was putting off posting this chapter because it's not exactly my favorite. Oh well, here it is. Next chapter will be up soon, which is a good thing, because I like the next one the best. Thanks again, reviewers.

Chapter Four:

Renji woke up and wished he was dead… again. He possessed the king of all headaches and couldn't remember much of anything. He rolled over in his bed (how did he get back here? The last thing he remembered was the crazy orange-guy…) and saw Ichigo asleep in a chair, and next to him—gasp—a vase of poppies!

"OH MY GOD HE STILL LOVES ME!!"

Ichigo woke up to see Renji run straight into the doorframe, fall over, stand up again, and run out of the door. He stated, his mouth slightly open and his mind greatly confused.

"Hope I didn't scare him off," he muttered before going back to sleep.

Meanwhile, Renji was recklessly dashing through the streets, crashing into things in his newly hungover state, searching for Byakuya.

He saw Kira and Hisagi hugging in an alleyway, and decided he was hallucinating.

He saw Hinamori laughing with Hitsugaya and thought, Damn, it's about time she freaking got over Aizen, the greasy-haired bastard…

He saw Kenpachi looking extremely irritated at Unohana, as she smiled coolly back at him.

Renji wondered what the hell was up with all the couples that were out today, and decided to search for Byakuya all the harder.

He eventually made it to the Kuchiki mansion and broke in through an upstairs window using half a discarded brick, a stolen clothesline, and several rolls of duct tape. Renji sat on the floor for a moment to regather his wits, as he had been quite startled by a falling grapefruit that had missed his head by mere centimeters just as he had gotten the clothesline up to the window.

Once he had caught his breath, he decided to start looking for Byakuya.

"_Taichou_," he called in that annoying tone that obsessive girls use when calling their boyfriends.

Meanwhile, Byakuya was in the other end of the house, on the ground floor, sitting at a piano and listening to a rather small woman curse colorfully in Russian.

He actually had no idea what she said most of the time, as she had a rather heavy accent and he had stopped paying attention once he heard glass shattering, a thunk, and a shriek similar to that of a three-year-old girl.

He started paying attention to the irate Russian when she yelled something to the effect of "You do not pound the keys! You play like this!" and began demonstrating the right and wrong ways to play the piano…on his shoulder. Byakuya tried his very hardest to ignore her tapping his shoulder until she ordered, "Now play it again!"

Groan. Byakuya would have liked to learn to play the piano, but not from _this_ crazy lady. And he didn't even like this piece. It was one of a series of ridiculously fast pieces, full of runs and trills and discordant pauses, and he absolutely hated it. He would much rather play something slower, calmer, that would better express his inner _soul…_

Oh well. It would be easier to just play the stupid song and then kill the crazy lady quietly some night…

And so he began to play the really odd piece, grudgingly, plotting evil plots.

Renji heard the piano music and decided to follow the noise, figuring that _someone _must be at the source of the sound.

Byakuya stumbled through the music ignoring the woman clapping the beat, telling him, "No, it should be faster!"

Gasp, thought Renji, who was now standing outside the door. The music had stopped and the Russian woman was saying something that no one could really understand. Renji burst into the room yelling, "Taichou, what?"

The crazy piano teacher was leaning across Byakuya to show him how to correctly play the piece, but Renji, being Renji, misinterpreted the scene and ran away crying.

Byakuya blinked. Fuck.


	5. For the Cleaning Power of Orange Oil!

A/N: Yay! My favorite chapter (so far anyway)! Enjoy!

Chapter Five: For the Cleaning Power of Orange Oil!

Renji ran away from the Kuchiki mansion and through the streets, passing all the happy couples again, receiving questioning stares from all, until he found a nice dark alleyway in which to cry.

A quite familiar orange flew down and hit him in the face, accompanied by a burst of evil laughter.

"Damn it!" he yelled, "Can't anyone leave me alone when I'm emotionally distraught?"

"You…ruined…my…CAMPING TRIP!" was the answering scream.

"Why the hell are you so worked up about a camping trip?"

"You… caused me to lose the love of my life. We were camping together, and when you yelled she had a heart attack and died. She always had a weak heart," he paused for a moment, suddenly melancholy. But he soon began to speak again, "I shall kill you to uphold her honor, then I shall kill myself."

Renji thought for a moment. "Then maybe you _should_ kill me. I don't care anymore. I, too, have lost the love of my life, but I lost him to a crazy Russian piano lady, after nearly being killed by a grapefruit."

The Orange Man stared at Renji for a moment. "Damn, your life's fucked up."

"Thanks. It means a whole lot, hearing that from _you_ of all people."

"Eh, no problem," the Orange man replied, petting his orange.

A pause. Then, "Wait, a _grapefruit_?"

"Yeah, I thought you would know. You're the only person I know of who uses citrus-y goodness as a preferred weapon."

"No!" the Orange Man shouted, "I would _never_ use a grapefruit to carry out my acts of justice! That was my evil twin brother, who was mistreated as a child, and who now attacks all people indiscriminately with the objects of his terror… Grapefruits!"

Renji raised an eyebrow. "Y'know, that's just a little bit cheesy… What are you going to tell me next, that you have decided to dedicate your entire life to chasing down this evil brother of yours, so-dubbed Grapefruit Man, and put an end to his acts of terror upon mankind and citrus fruits everywhere?"

Orange Man gasped. "GASP! How did you know? Are… Are you a MIND-READER?"

Renji rolled his eyes and said sarcastically, "Oh, yes. Guess what? Next, Grapefruit Man will come through this city on a rampage and the only people with the power to stop his will be you and me."

Orange Man's eyes widened with wonder as he stared intently out of the alley in which both sat. There was a deafening silence for about five minutes, punctuated by everyday chatter from daily life in the city, including Kenpachi's violent ragings.

"Umm… Nothing's happening, Mr. Magical Mind Reader."

"No, _REALLY?_ What did you exp—"

Screams came from outside the alley, punctuated by someone yelling loudly, "OH MY GOD I HATE GRAPEFR—" before being cut off by a loud gurgling noise, followed by a fifteen-minute death speech before the dying man finally choked on a bit of grapefruit peel and suffocated.

Orange Man jumped to his feet. "We must rid the world of the terror that is my brother and his grapefruits of mass destruction!"

"…Yeah, you do that."

"What?? You mean you aren't going to join me, oh great magical reader-of-minds and predictor-of-futures? You shall not participate in the glorious battle that you have predicted and that only we can win? You will not join me in the battle for honor, glory, and the cleaning power of orange oil?"

Meanwhile, more people were dying, bludgeoned by grapefruits of DEATH.

Renji looked up. "No… I shall take up my sword… And fight by your side."

"FOR GLORY!" they shouted together.

Screams were heard outside.

"FOR HONOR!"

"OH MY GOD I'M DYING!"

"AND FOR THE CLEANING POWER OF ORANGE OIL!!"

Half an hour later, bodies littered the streets, but Grapefruit Man was tied up with Renji's clothesline while he and Orange Man were out drinking, laughing, and crying, celebrating the glorious battle and commiserating upon lost loves.


	6. Interlude for Ishida

A/N: Sorry chapters are taking forever. Updates will probably be slower from now on; school started up and so did practice for my debate team. I actually looked at the hours we put in and stuff, and we practice more than most varsity sports at our school. So I don't really have free time anymore. Sorry. Thanks again, reviewers!

Chapter Six: Interlude for Ishida

Ishida looked around his living room cautiously, checking both inside and outside the room.

"Okay, you can come in… You know, I'm not supposed to associating myself with shinigami…"

Rukia slipped in quietly, and slammed the door as Ishida closed the curtains.

"Um… I'll go make some tea or something."

Ishida disappeared for a few minutes, leaving Rukia to quietly study the room and the many bags from Sunflower Seams scattered about.

Ishida reappeared shortly, bearing tea, and they sat at opposite ends of the table and began to quietly drink it. After a few minutes, Ishida coughed quietly.

"Er… What is it you wanted to talk about?"

Rukia set down her cup with more force than was absolutely necessary. "Everything."

"Ah. That's nice. Where do you want to start?"

"I could start anywhere. My brother's broken up with Renji—"

"Wait, what? Your brother… and Renji… are gay?"

"That's the assumption. Actually, I'm not sure about my brother, I think he's just lonely… Or bored, and just trying to mess up Renji's life for his own amusement."

"Ah." Ishida looked confused and vaguely disturbed.

"Yeah… So Renji's basically gone insane, he's been getting drunk a lot lately and recently destroyed an entire district of Rukongai with an orange-wielding loony. Brother's pretty much normal. I hear he's trying to learn to play the piano. I'm glad for him; it's something he always wanted to do."

"That's good."

"Yes, but now I'm worried about Ichigo."

"…Do I even want to know?"

"Probably not, but I'm telling you anyway."

"Joy."

"So, apparently Renji told Ichigo something about my brother and poppies, and next thing I know, Renji's running around ranting about Russians and grapefruits—"

"This has _what_ to do with Ichigo?"

"He gave Renji poppies."

"…"

"I'm worried. Either Ichigo's gay too and is suppressing his feelings or some shit like that, or… He's become some sort of evil mastermind."

"Ichigo? An evil mastermind?"

"Yeah, I know it's unlikely, but it's still possible."

"…"

"Ishida?"

"Oh, sorry. I was just imagining what the world would be like if Ichigo was smart."

"Oh. Wow."

"Yeah."

There was an awkward silence. Rukia sipped her tea.

"So. Anything else you wanted to talk about?" Ishida asked.

Rukia paused. "It's all very frustrating."

"Understandably."

"I feel so very… unloved."

"Ah."

"I mean, I thought I loved Renji, but then he turned out to be gay and in love with my brother, then I met Ichigo, and now it appears that he's gay or evil or both…" she looked up, "You're not gay too, are you?"

"Er… What?"

"No you're not, that was silly of me. You love Orihime, and she thinks you're a robot or something…"

"I… How did you know that?"

"You're not exactly subtle, you know…"

"…I will work on that."

"Good. It was painful to watch, actually."

"Ah."

"So wha—"

Suddenly, Urahara burst out of Ishida's kitchen, holding a whisk and proclaiming, "Rukia! Never say that you are unloved, for it is _not true!" _

"…What?" Rukia said.

"Your timing's a bit off," Ishida told him.

"That's because I was making hot chocolate in your kitchen, Ishida, but… Rukia! The point is… I love you!"

"…Yoruichi dumped you, didn't she?"

"Well, yes, she went back to Soi Fon, but that's not the point either! Rukia, I love you!"

"Okay…"

Urahara sat down across from her and took her hands in his own.

"Rukia," he looked deeply into her eyes, "You have a heart that could melt the snows of a thousand winters."

Rukia stared back, enchanted.

Ishida felt distinctly uncomfortable and quietly excused himself.

"You really… think so?" Rukia asked, her eyes wide.

"Rukia… I know so," Urahara murmured, as he leaned forward to kiss her.

Several minutes later, Ishida opened the door a crack and peeked through. He visibly flinched at the sight before him, closed the door again, and, blushing, leaned back against the wall for a moment. After shaking his head a bit, he crossed the kitchen and climbed out through the window.


	7. Awkward Party

A/N: Update (obviously). Thanks again, reviewers! Heart!

Chapter Seven: Awkward Party

Renji woke up to a splitting headache and a terrible Aretha Franklin impersonation. Cursing vaguely, he rolled over and buried his head in his arms.

More voices joined the first. Apparently, some sort of talentless singing competition was occurring; the overall ambience of the room made Renji think of a burlap sack filled with angry cats being prodded with a stick repeatedly.

This image did not appear to be entirely inaccurate, as he began to hear scattered shouts and thumps.

Groaning, he sat up, one hand pressed to his forehead, and saw that Grapefruit Man was still bound and gagged with the clothesline, and that most of the eleventh division was crowded into the room, dancing rambunctiously and throwing carrots. He briefly noticed Ikkaku and Yumichika watching the confusion, amused.

He attributed all this to remaining drunken hallucinations and went back to sleep.

Some time later, Renji woke up again. Someone was still singing. Rolling over, he growled, "Shut the fuck up," and shoved himself up onto his elbows.

He looked around the room, blinked several times, and laid back down.

"Morning, sunshine."

Renji covered his eyes, "What the hell is going on?"

"We're having a party."

Renji signed and moved his arm off his eyes again. Looking around the room, he saw only Ikkaku and Yumichika sitting in the corner, snuggled into each others' arms. He blinked.

"Pretty awkward party."

"Silly Renji," Yumichika giggled, "Not everyone's arrived yet."

"…Oh. That makes perfect sense."

"Mm! Doesn't it!" Yumichika gently nuzzled his face into Ikkaku's neck.

Renji stood up shakily and only managed to walk a few steps before tripping over a tangled clothesline. He stared blankly at the web of knotted string.

"Oh shit."

"What?"

"The clothesline."

"…Yes, that is a clothesline."

"But… the clothesline."

"_Alright _Renji, what _about _the clothesline?"

"Grapefruit Man."

"What about him?"

"He's gone."

"Yeah, I know."

"_Why_ is he gone?"

"He's getting us more booze."

Renji sat up. "Oh. Okay."

The door opened slowly and Hanatarou poked his head in. "Er… Is this the right—"

"Yeah! Come on in, Hanatarou, join the party."

He walked in and carefully closed the door behind him.

He stood there for a moment, shifting his weight from foot to foot while Ikkaku and Yumichika cuddled in the corner and Renji sat silently. Biting his lip nervously, Hanatarou was just about to sit down when there was a knock at the door."

"I—I'll get it," he said.

Within the next several minutes, Captain Komamura, Hisagi, Kira, Nemu, and Isane had all assembled, and all sat quietly around the room. Every few minutes, Isane would glance nervously at Hisagi and Kira, who were holding hands. After a bit, they both stared directly at her, and the next time she looked over, she flinched visibly and blushed.

After another moment, she excused herself to the bathroom.

Everyone sat in silence.

"Welcome to the Awkward Party!" Ikkaku announced.

Isane returned, looking, if possible, even more flustered.

"Awkward party?" Komamura asked.

"We wanted to see if anything weird would happen if we got together all the really awkward people we know. So we invited you, the awkward captain—"

"The awkward couple," Yumichika added, indicating Hisagi and Kira with his head.

"Whatever, like you and Ikkaku aren't totally awkward either," Hisagi answered.

Yumichika grinned.

The others sat in silent anticipation.

"What are we waiting for, exactly?" Nemu asked.

"Eh, I don't really know… Space-time vortex, spontaneous combustion, anything really."

"Oh, I see, you are going about this entirely the wrong way. You must have a clear vision of what you want to happen and of the factor you will change in order to achieve your aims. The experiment must be set up in a completely controlled situation; by contrast, the way this is prepared, if anything unusual were to occur, it could be due to any number of variables."

"…I'm going to pretend I understood that."

"It is basic scientific method. Even those who have not done major scientific study should be able to understand the concept."

"I never majored in science. I majored in KICKING ASS."

Nemu looked confused and didn't respond.

Renji had been studying Isane's nervous fidgeting during this exchange.

"You okay?" he asked.

She flinched and nodded.

"…You sure?"

She nodded again frantically.

"…Something in the bathroom?"

She didn't respond beyond a nervous glance down the hallway.

Renji raised an eyebrow, and stood to go check. Isane frowned.

Everyone else watched, curious, as he walked down the hallway.

"Dude, the devil lives in your toilet," he called out as he returned to the main room.

Ikkaku laughed, and another voice rang out, "How the hell can the devil live in a toilet?"

"Ishida? When did you get here? How did you get here? _Why_ are you here?"

"I arrived during the discussion about the scientific method, I came in through the window, and I'm here because Urahara and Rukia are in my living room, making out on my coffee table."

"…Awkward."

"Yes. Very."

"Well, then, welcome to the awkward party!"

"Great. Where's the booze?"

"…I don't know. Grapefruit Man hasn't come back yet."

Ishida didn't know who Grapefruit Man was, but decided not to comment, instead uttering a noncommittal "Hmm…"

"But anyway!" Renji interjected, "The devil lives in the toilet!"

"Okay Renji… What makes you think that the devil lives in my toilet?"

"There's this piece of paper. And it's _floating_. In the _air_. And it's not supported by _anything_. I checked."

Isane spoke up, "There's also a pair of purple safety scissors in the corner. Under the sink."

Hisagi rolled his eyes, "What the _fuck_ would someone be doing with safety scissors in a bathroom?"

Kira muttered something to him. His eyes widened. "Oh," he said.

Renji missed this bit of the discussion, and added, "The scissors… They're the instruments of the devil's evil plan for _destruction_."

"But logically speaking," Nemu interjected, "What could the devil accomplish with a pair of scissors? Particularly since the devil is also theoretically trapped in the plumbing?"

Ikkaku raised an eyebrow, "I don't know, but I've got to see this."

"Go ahead," Yumichika said, "Ick."

"Wow," said Ikkaku, his voice echoing slightly down the hallway, "You guys all have to see this!"

After a bit of hesitation, the rest of the party followed, except Yumichika, who sat pouting in the corner muttering something about ugly scissors.

While he was pouting and everyone else was marveling over the floating paper and safety scissors, Charlotte Coolhorn burst through the wall and proclaimed that he was the prettiest.

"No you're not, BITCH," Yumichika replied, and both proceeded to kick each others' asses. Glamorously, of course.

By the time the rest of the party had returned from admiring the possessed bathroom, Yumichika was sitting happily eating cookies, and Charlotte Coolhorn was un-prettily lying in the corner, covered in bruises.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Sorry for the long gap in updates. Life's been kicking my ass lately. Thanks again to reviewers!

Chapter Eight: I have no idea what to call this chapter...

"Ichigoooo!"

Kon was tied to a chair leg and screaming at Ichigo, who was searching through his sock drawer distractedly.

"Shut up," he said.

"Ichigo…" Kon sniffed, "Why did you tie me up?"

"Just shut up."

Ichigo pulled a bag of carrots out of his sock drawer, shook his head, and threw it on the floor. Kon looked on in disgust as Ichigo removed a physics textbook, various loose jellybeans, and a wind-up jumping frog.

"Um, what…?"

"Found it!"

Ichigo held up the skull-badge.

Kon barely had time to complain before the badge slammed down on his head.

Ichigo picked up the soul candy from the floor, "Damn, it's nice to have some peace and quiet for once." He popped it into his mouth and burst violently out of his body.

"What the hell, man?" Kon asked, "Couldn't you have just done that to yourself and saved us both the trouble?"

"No one's supposed to know I'm gone."

"Then what's the point of doing this?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes, "Don't you think it might be just a teensy bit obvious that something weird's going on if my body was just lying around all day?"

Kon sputtered, "That's not what I meant, I meant, your dad can _tell_ when it's not you."

"Stay away from him, then."

"Sometimes, that's kind of hard."

"Your problem, not mine."

"Well, actually, it kind of _is_ your problem," Kon started, but Ichigo jumped out of the window and disappeared down the street.

"Damn it," Kon said.

* * *

Ichigo sat down to tea with Aizen. He'd gotten into Hueco Mundo through Urahara's portal thing. The shop had been quiet. Too quiet.

But Ichigo wasn't thinking about that at the moment. He was quietly stirring sugar and cream into his cup and waiting for Aizen to say something.

The awkward silence was broken by Gin's crazed giggling coming from the far corner of the room.

Aizen cleared his throat, "So, Ichigo, how goes your quest to put our great plans into motion?"

"Things are going well, Aizen. Renji and Byakuya have broken up, and Renji has become an agent of random destruction. I helped along with that. Rather proud of that bit of planning."

"How'd you manage that?"

"Poppies, my friend. Poppies."

"Nice."

"Yes. Excellent quiche, by the way."

"Thank you. I find that it is rather better with a bit of ketchup, though."

"I'll have to try that."

"Yes, you shall. Gin! Would you bring out the ketchup, please?"

Gin left the room, giggling.

Aizen raised his teacup, "Do try some of the cookies, too."

Ichigo raised a cookie with garishly pink frosting to his lips.

"Do you foresee any troubles with your objectives?"

Ichigo chewed thoughtfully, "Well, I think Rukia's catching on. Weird, really, I'd thought Ishida would've figured things out first, so I bugged his house. Instead, Rukia went over and brought up concerns about my sexuality and overall benevolence. However, they dismissed these concerns on account of my low intelligence."

Gin re-entered, holding a jar of reddish liquid.

"Thank you," Aizen said, and passed the bottle to Ichigo, "I suggest you take measures to ensure these… concerns do not come up again."

"Already took care of it," Ichigo said as he poured the condiment over his slice of quiche, "I kidnapped Yoruichi and sent Urahara over."

"Should keep them occupied for a while. Good man, good man," Aizen said.

Ichigo made a face.

"…Not good man?" Aizen said.

"No… it's just…" Ichigo spat out a partially chewed mouthful of eggs and red sauce, "This isn't ketchup. It's taco sauce." He looked Gin straight in the eyes, "You lied to me."

Gin giggled nonsensically, "But I like rubber duckies and tacos…" He picked up the bottle and mixed a liberal amount of taco sauce into his lukewarm tea.

Ichigo looked away, revolted.

Aizen paused, and picked up his fork again.

* * *

"You know what I _really_ want to do someday?" Orihime said, staring entranced at the sky, "I really want to get one of those huge riding lawnmowers. And drive it down the street. And race other cars with it. While cutting grass."

Kon sighed and stared at her breasts.

Tatsuki glared at Kon-in-Ichigo's-body.

Orihime continued talking, "And I would ride my lawnmower everywhere! But what if I hit something? That would be sad…" She frowned intently for a moment, but then her face lit up again with a smile, "I will concentrate very hard while driving my lawnmower!"

Kon's mouth fell open slightly as he continued to stare, his eyes slightly glazed over.

Tatsuki snapped. Her fist connected with the back of Kon's head as she yelled, "On my god what the hell is _wrong_ with you don't stare at her chest, goddammit!"

Kon yelled back, "You are infringing upon my natural rights as a human being! Pursuit of happiness! Pursuit of happiness!"

"That's in the American Declaration of Independence, which, while a statement of emotionally resonant ideology, does not constitute written law! And it doesn't apply here, anyway, dumbass!"

"It's a universal principle!"

"No it's not!"

Ichigo returned in shinigami form, and watched, a bit miffed, as Tatsuki beat the shit out of his body. With an irritated sigh, he whacked Kon with his skull-badge again.

Tatsuki didn't notice Ichigo's body go limp as she continued to pummel him.

Ichigo waited until she was finished before squirming back into his body.

Orihime smiled at him, held up a doodle of herself racing a lawnmower while being chased by a giant hollow in a golf cart, and asked him how he was feeling.

"Better than good," was his deadpan reply.

"Why?" asked Tatsuki, gathering up her things, "You just got possessed by a retard and now you have a stats test."

"Fuck," he replied.

The three of them wandered back into the school.

Kon's soul pill sat on the pavement, forgotten.


End file.
